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The Female of the Species


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The Female of the Species

by: Rudyard Kipling

 

 

When the Himalayan peasant meets the he-bear in his pride,

He shouts to scare the monster who will often turn aside.

But the she-bear thus accosted rends the peasant tooth and nail,

For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

 

When Nag, the wayside cobra, hears the careless foot of man,

He will sometimes wriggle sideways and avoid it if he can,

But his mate makes no such motion where she camps beside the trail -

For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

 

When the early Jesuit fathers preached to Hurons and Choctaws,

They prayed to be delivered from the vengeance of the squaws -

'Twas the women, not the warriors, turned those stark enthusiasts pale -

For the female of the species is more deadly than the male.

 

Man's timid heart is bursting with the things he must not say,

For the Woman that God gave him isn't his to give away;

But when hunter meets with husband, each confirms the others tale -

The female of the species is more deadly than the male.

 

Man, a bear in most relations, worm and savage otherwise,

Man propounds negotiations, Man accepts the compromise;

Very rarely will he squarely push the logic of a fact

To its ultimate conclusion in unmitigated act.

 

Fear, or foolishness, impels him, ere he lay the wicked low,

To concede some form of trial even to his fiercest foe.

Mirth obscene diverts his anger; Doubt and Pity oft perplex

Him in dealing with an issue - to the scandal of the Sex!

 

But the Woman that God gave him, every fibre of her frame

Proves her launched for one sole issue, armed and engined for the same,

And to serve that single issue, lest the generations fail,

The female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

 

She who faces Death by torture for each life beneath her breast

May not deal in doubt or pity - must not swerve for fact or jest.

These be purely male diversions - not in these her honor dwells -

She, the Other Law we live by, is that Law and nothing else!

 

She can bring no more to living than the powers that make her great

As the Mother of the Infant and the Mistress of the Mate;

And when Babe and Man are lacking and she strides unclaimed to claim

Her right as femme (and baron), her equipment is the same.

 

She is wedded to convictions - in default of grosser ties;

Her contentions are her children, Heaven help him, who denies!

He will meet no cool discussion, but the instant, white-hot wild

Wakened female of the species warring as for spouse and child.

 

Unprovoked and awful charges - even so the she-bear fights;

Speech that drips, corrodes and poisons - even so the cobra bites;

Scientific vivisection of one nerve till it is raw,

And the victim writhes with anguish - like the Jesuit with the squaw!

 

So it comes that Man, the coward, when he gathers to confer

With his fellow-braves in council, dare not leave a place for her

Where, at war with Life and Conscience, he uplifts his erring hands

To some God of abstract justice - which no woman understands.

 

And Man knows it! Knows, moreover, that the Woman that God gave him

Must command but may not govern; shall enthrall but not enslave him.

And She knows, because She warns him and Her instincts never fail,

That the female of Her species is more deadly than the male!

 

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Ahhh Women...

( unknown author )

 

 

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard on

 

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons

Can admit to others when I am wrong

 

Don't drive in circles at any cost

So I don't have to admit when I am lost

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon

Every time I go to the john

 

Let me tell you men

Listen to me boys

Those things in your pants

That you treat as toys

You love them more then we ever will

We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

 

I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find you're two hours late

I don't watch movies with lots of gore

Don't need instant replay to remember the score

 

I won't lose my hair

I don't get jock itch

And just cause I'm assertive

Don't call me a bitch

 

I don't wear the same underwear everyday

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I don't go to Sears

To look at the tools

I don't cheat at poker

I follow the rules

 

I don't smoke cigars

Don't pay for drinks at bars

I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"

And it's O.K. for me to cry

 

I know all you men

Think that you're "IT"

But compared to a woman

You just ain't shit!

 

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